Hindsight is strange, because it hits me like a train nearly every week as I recover from what I am certain is the end. I mean, not always. I don’t want to be dramatic, but last weekend was the worst I have felt in so long. I don’t want to raise concern, but something came over me. The rational part of me was in utter disbelief. I was trying desperately to justify giving up. I don’t know what that means – in that moment or those days of despair, it essentially meant finding a way to remove myself from everything that means anything to me. I just wanted to go back to a time when this wasn’t my life. What that meant to me was not to revert to a happier time, but an even worse time. What kind of escape plan is that?
I was stuck in this feeling that everything I’ve worked hard for would be worth giving up. To avoid further beating around the bush, I’m pretty sure I was thinking that being dead would totally beat being alive this weekend. I reached a point where I realized that I had completely lost a sense of what my life was comprised of, and I couldn’t convince myself that anything was worth living for.
I don’t even know how to write that out because I am currently beaming behind my computer, filled with all the fuzzy feelings of straight up happiness. I am embracing this moment, the last few days of utter joy. I am also afraid that this weekend will be the same as last, because that tends to be the way it goes. I’m riding an emotional roller coaster. The phrase is kind of overused, but it’s the most accurate analogy. I’m constantly being jerked between two extreme levels of emotion, and it’s very scary.
Out with the bad, in with the good.
Sunsets, for one. The sky is the ultimate cure. Bonus: being up for sun rise the next day.
Dom called me on Monday, and he promptly showed up at my apartment. I was still in a slump, and I’m beyond grateful for our spontaneous hangout sesh. We hopped in the car and drove to the cemetery with the best view. It’s underrated. Dom and I go months without seeing one another, and every time we are reunited, it’s as though no time has passed at all. We’ve known each other for a long time now. He’s so insightful, and he always makes me look at things, especially myself, in a new light. He also complied with my random desire to go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Fortunately, the trip lasted only three minutes before we went to Burgatory and he treated me to dinner.
This photo was taken a mere 30 minutes outside of my downward spiral of a weekend. I’m highly adaptable if there are trees to hang from…
Then I saw this in a bathroom at the book store because signs from the universe to keep fucking moving are always present. If this is any indication, I am most certainly fully alive and fully human.
The next day, Kate and I accidentally celebrated mine and Wesley’s friendiversary (she was there, to be fair) which was a wonderful mistake. She got me this precious card with birds that look just like us on the front. She also got us ALL THAT MEAT. Prior to our feast, we saw Cold War Kids at WYEP for their live and direct session. It was a magical afternoon. Once again, I was reminded that my life is very much worthwhile, especially when I have the greatest friends in the whole entire universe. I do not use that phrase lightly.
Bonus: I got this cool windbreaker. Is that an oxymoron? I don’t think so. The thing is, I don’t try that hard to wear ironic clothing. I am just a recovering shopping addict, and all of my clothes once belonged to somebody else. That hat was 79 cents, and it is not contributing to my debt.
And then there is Withnail’s mouth, which is a spectacle that brings everyone joy…
And tonight was spent in fits of laughter with the crew from Primal Fitness. We mostly talked about burpees, leotards, and vaginas. And by talking, I mean screaming. This group of people is something to be very thankful for. I go to the weirdest gym in Pittsburgh. 10/10 would recommend.
My “real” work week is over, and I am exhausted. Tomorrow will be spent writing everything before the weekend hits. I’m feeling so silly. I looked at my planner on Monday morning and wondered how I would ever manage to do everything that I pictured above – all of those fun, carefree things with people I LOVE – and it made me want to cry because it felt so impossible. So very silly.