I walked into my apartment last night, and I began to talk to myself. I had to. The drive home was like walking on eggshells. I knew that I was vulnerable. I had made a bad decision that I knew would make me feel this way. This decision that I make over and over again despite the consequences was my fault. Time to accept it. I had to harness every ounce of strength I had not to react to my decision.
A couple minutes into my crazy motivational speech to myself, I said, “You can make the decision not to react to your bad decision.” I was floored. This isn’t something particularly brilliant – it’s been said before. It’s something I almost never consider though.
I had trouble falling asleep for a few hours. I tossed and turned in the midst of writing and talking to myself more. I wrote about how I felt angry and jealous, consumed with resentment and ill-feeling toward someone else. In my opinion, that combination of emotion is detrimental. I had to remove those thoughts. All of it was futile, and it was brought on by me very blatantly doing something that would put my emotional stability at stake.
I took responsibility, and I eventually fell asleep. I fought off the strongest urges to do anything that could possibly make me feel better in that moment. I know now that fighting those feelings isn’t instantaneous. It is a process. It’s not unbearably long, but there is no quick fix. It’s been awhile since I felt so aware and in tune with the relationship between my emotions and my actions. Today has proven to be difficult, and I’ve definitely felt out of control and on the verge. I desperately wish that I could just move through my day with ease, without all of my internal thoughts and feelings turning into food anxiety.
I didn’t mean for my identity to become my diet, but it is. At this point, it’s becoming a little stressful. I am afraid to admit that because a) I truly love and feel passionately about eating paleo and b) It’s my job, which makes it more acceptable to identify with. The truth is that it burdens me a lot. I feel like paleo or not, I would be burdened with the same thoughts about food. It’s just that I have a lot of rules on top of all those rules I made up the past decade I’ve spent in this whirlwind. I don’t know how to heal at this point. I can only go so long (not very long at all) focusing on what truly matters, what will bring me health inside and outside. Then it’s back to the drawing board – how can I tweak my diet or my workout to fix this or that?
It’s not about that, but how do I make a serious step forward – outside of that – for good?
My morning started off strong, though. I did 168 snatches in 15 minutes today! My total is 684 this month, and I have tomorrow morning’s session to seal the deal aka win ALL THE PRIZES. I heard from a little bird that we have 15 minutes of straight snatches on top of another circuit, which I’m oddly looking forward to (despite my right hand being split, and some pretty sore muscles). I’m spending the weekend dog-sitting and making chicken soup. It’s not for me, but there is something really wonderful about making soup. I also just ate an entire bag of frozen figs. Sure, that probably wasn’t the greatest thing, but Trader Joe’s makes these things possible when it’s not July, and for that I am grateful. I also went to the coffee shop today, and a man who was a magician talked to me for an hour about how cool the world would be if everyone just rode their horses off into the sunset for eternity. He literally had an hour of conversation up his sleeve about this. It was a little odd, but I get it. I would do it if I could. Lastly, John bought us tickets to The Antlers omg. I didn’t think they’d tour for Familiars again, so I am beyond excited. Hospice was great, Burst Apart was cool, but Familiars is admittedly my favorite.
Despite all the aforementioned feels, I got home from my workout today, and I felt pretty darn good about myself. The feeling has dissipated (I mean, disappeared into the negatives) as the day went on, but check out these gunz. I mean, I’m getting there, right?