Woo. This week has been stressful. I cried for the first time in
forever what seemed like forever yesterday, but it was a different kind of cry. I wasn’t lost in despair. I cried hard, and I was deeply sad, but something about it was different. I laid in bed for awhile before I got up and said, “FUCK THIS.” I said it aloud. I talked to myself a lot yesterday. I cried because of things I didn’t have, which is a legitimate reason many people are sad, but it’s easily one of the least productive negative thinking patterns that exist. When you’re focused on what you don’t have, what you do have suddenly doesn’t exist anymore – or it at least feels a lot less important. I’m still feeling a lot of that, but I can’t possibly complain about today.
I went to kettle bell training this morning and put in a fantastic workout. Friday mornings are good for putting me in my place. The weekends used to be my most vulnerable time, but it’s shifted to the lull of my mid-week. After that, Withnail and I braved the cold to hike around Frick Park for awhile. I’ve been home for most of the day since, but I went to Target (duh) because it’s my BIRTHDAY, and I was seriously lacking Hello Kitty things and kombucha, which happened to be on sale. I turned 22 today, but I am an adult child which I’ve learned to accept as a charming quality of mine. I also assume this is one of the most pressing reasons that I’m single (and will be forever). Anyways, we got pretty festive.
When I left Target, I took a stroll down the street. A woman walked out of a store, and she looked at me and said, “You look happy!” I was pretty much skipping at this point, and I realized I was smiling ear to ear. I told her that I was, and she made a few jokes, and left me with an enthusiastic, “Have a great day!” It was a teeny-tiny little moment of my day, but I thought about how we literally wear happiness – people take notice, and it makes them happy too. I don’t know what kind of day she was having, but she smiled when she saw me, and that’s kinda cool because we only knew each other for approximately 30 seconds.
So yeah, it’s my birthday. I didn’t really want much except to wake up feeling like I wasn’t going to projectile vomit (accomplished!), but I asked my mum to get me just one thing. She obliged, and I’m going to see Sufjan Stevens in DC in May!!!!! I have spent a long time not going to shows, partially because nobody is buying me tickets to shows anymore, and partially because I have seen every band ever – but Sufjan… that’s a different story. I could fangirl about a lot of artists, but there’s something about every album he’s written – masterpieces, completely different from one another, so thoughtful. So many single songs bring me to tears immediately for an unknown reason. They’re not sad or happy. I am so excited to finally see him live. Also, SHARON VAN ETTEN next month in Brooklyn. I might not get to travel the way I’d like to anymore, but I’m making a decent (albeit fairly local) effort while crossing some new bands off the list.
And tonight, for some reason, I’m going to the casino. The casino is pretty much my biggest fear. Fortunately, Hannah will be accompanying me, and we will both be wearing party hats. I decided not to spend my birthday with only dogs. I have lots more planned for the weekend because everyone wants to celebrate, and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.
The moral of the story is that there are a lot of things I don’t have, and that will always be the case. But today, I have so much. And everything I’ve lost and mourned – even if I’m still mourning those things – and all the things I’ve never had are a part of year 22. Those things are neither bad nor good, they’re just a piece of me.