I went to therapy today, and she asked how I was. I replied with a slightly enthusiastic, “Good” and immediately she said something that surprised me.
She said, “You’re in remission again.” I didn’t give her any background, or tell her how incredible the past week has been yet. It’s like she read it in my expression.
It was a little bit shocking to me for two reasons. One, I have been in denial of the active eating disorder I’ve been living with since roughly April, and two, HOLY SHIT I AM.
I’ve written about where I was at; it was bad, getting worse. Fight or flight mode, I changed everything that I thought was facilitating the starve/binge cycles, night eating, and ultimately being bulimic again. Pretty much overnight, I started making moves.
I moved out of my parent’s house, first of all. The environment was debilitating to me in every way. I couldn’t step foot in my home without being overcome with anxiety. I had no peace of mind, and I hadn’t slept through the night in months. I was having trouble focusing on anything I tried to do while at home, and I was going to be back in school soon so I needed a better work environment. I put on a good deal of weight in a pretty short span of time due to the stress and the food I was surrounded by. I simply had no place to call my own, and I was suffering both mentally and physically.
A week into moving, I finally gave in to medication. I swore to everyone up and down that I was not depressed, but I was prescribed an SSRI partially to treat depression, but it’s been known to work wonders with bulimic patients sometimes. I also got prescribed a sleep medication. I already got my first full night of rest almost as soon as I moved in, but since starting the medication, I have had 98% restful nights.
Lastly, a new approach to food. My therapist reminded me that “it’s just another diet, and it’s giving you a sense of control,” but fuck it. If control is what I need to eat like a normal person, then I’ll accept it. Still, I’m interested in adopting something that works for me for life. I want to be healthy now and maintain that through everything. After reaching my breaking point with food and the anxiety it was giving me, I gave into the Paleo thing. I was always one to defend the carbs, but no longer. Not for me. When I eat a carbohydrate even if it’s quinoa, or a sweet fruit like a banana, the flood gates open. I become increasingly hungry, not satisfied, and this leads to binge cycles. No grains, no legumes, very minimal fruit kept in the home. I’m eating butter and lamb and liver and bone broth and tons of veggies and LOVING it. This is the first time since very early “honeymoon phase” recovery that I can remember enjoying cooking and eating. I feel passionate about my health and my nutrition again, which truly puts everything else into place. As a result, I have had the energy to work out every single day (within reason, of course) and ENJOY it, which I haven’t had for a long time.
So, I’m well-fed, well-medicated, and well-rested. It’s as simple as that, yet my entire life has changed in a matter of weeks. I feel like I’ve emerged from hell for the millionth time. And it’s pretty fuckin’ cool. I had some guidance, I used my resources, but I’m going to give some credit where credit is due, and that goes to me.
When I wake up everyday, I’m overcome with gratitude and joy. It’s weird, because I had grown accustomed (once again) to waking up filled with dread, entirely unprepared to make it through another day. Recognizing the contrast in my outlook through retrospect is one of the most incredible feelings.
Because I haven’t posted in awhile, I just wanted to write this quick update. Mostly so I don’t forget how I feel right here, right now which is pretty dang good. I really enjoyed the last few weeks of summer, but there are three things that I thrive on and those things are Winter squash, sweaters, and schoolwork. I’m pretty boring.